My life is forever changed again, unexpectedly, horrifyingly, and in incredibly undesired ways. I won’t share about any of what is happening. That is for me and my closest kin to weather together right now.
I’m here to share a poem, one written while I was steeped in despair over winter and one I return whenever I feel close to that hopelessness again. I’m coming to understand hopelessness in these times is necessary - it takes me to the edge and forces me to consider deeply what I am willing to accept and what I must refuse to keep going. Hopelessness is me embracing the collective grief of a dying world while it’s still living. It’s a portal I cross to move my imagination into the worlds beyond this one. I urge you to give your hopelessness space to breathe so you can move through it. It festers resentment and despair if left unchecked.
It is through presence with mine I found these words. It is returning to these words that remind me to keep going no matter how hopeless it may seem - other worlds are still possible. May these words spark something in you, too.
I choose life
All the whispers say die
Stop trying to
Live
Or love my self
Don’t risk it all to see if it’s worth it
I choose life
At a tipping point
If I stayed here I would
Die
Leaving it behind to find out
If I’m worthy
Can I will myself awake again?
To feeling
To joy
To belonging within
I want so badly to numb it
To surrender
To heed the whispering wishes
Who would be so devastated anyway?
A precious life is laughable
Alongside genocides
Of what consequence am I?
Consequences
Are what is lacking
No halt to all this madness and death
It feels ludicrous at this hour
In this deafening loneliness to be
Alive
So far from satisfaction
While so privileged to have the freedom to move
How can I be so foolish not to flex this power?
Am I so callous to count myself out when I am on the precipice of great change?
Am I so greedy to have the ability to weep and feel
yet only indulge in sorrow and pity?
Life is a blessing
A gift from my lineages
One that continues to allow me to grow beyond measure
I am seeing more than anyone in my generation has
Going further with my dreams and aspirations
Daring boldly to name my self
Worthy
Deserving
Present
Striving to make peace within
I choose life
To wonder
To take in all the beauty and possibility before me
To devote myself to me and you and all the people I love and all those yet to come
I am here now so I can go back and bring more people with me when I come again
A promised part of getting free
I miss my kin and they miss me
I am rooting for me
Rooting into me
This body of mine has seen so much
And still believes that we can win
It is maddening to not know the way
To be stumbling
To be humbled by my ignorance
To see I am of the foolish and the lazy
So what of it?
Will I work to be better
Or stagnate in apathy?
What use will I make of these lessons?
Will I weep for what I do not know
or will I go out and get it?
Nothing is off limits to me
remember?
I choose life
Its vastness will not come to me
Without laboring for it
I cannot simply open my hands and expect my dreams and heart’s desires to arrive
They are so grand and beautiful
And all beautiful things in this universe took
Time
Effort
Struggle
To manifest
I am crying because it is not easy
Yet I must remember that means I
am on track
On one of many pathways converging towards
Liberation
is hard work
Freedom
is a difficult journey
Unlearning the stifling nature of fear takes tremendous will and courage
I must continue being courageous
Continue trying
Continue flexing my voice
Speak up
Speak out
I choose life
One I like and feel love for
One I can be proud of
One where my joy is aligned with my values
One where the stories I tell ring true with liberation struggles globally
One where I look in the mirror and see that every fear was a sign of weakness I tore through
Where all the terrors are surpassed
For the ecstasy of growing beyond my imagination
I have to go through them to make my prayers real
Every fear, every pain, every pity, every risk faced and conquered
Is the way back
to dignity
To joy, belonging, integrity, and love
What I feel is real
The despair
It has presence in me
A weightiness that can be transformed into fuel
To keep going
I choose it
So I will keep my word
And keep living
I choose life
I don’t know what comes next but I know I will continue giving all I have to see this life through to the completion of its purpose. A beloved reminded me of this quote the other day. I lift it here as a closing and a witness that no matter what has happened my spirit remains unbroken.
“The soul that is within me no man can degrade. I am not the one that is being degraded on account of this treatment, but those who are inflicting it upon me.” - Frederick Douglass
Yes.